misc. post.. no one would understand... just my heart's feelings..
been fiddling with my phone since i dunno when.. everytime i scroll through my inbox, i'll stop at that very sms.. and when i open it, tears just flow.. my heart is seriously wounded this time.. im lost for words, im lost of feelings, im lost of senses..
almost had an accident when i received that sms.. was exiting the highway and entering bukit merah. when i was about the filter left, i was just blanked out.. i didnt know what i was thinking.. i stepped hard on the accelerator and next thing i know, i heard loud horns from just beside me.. there was actually a taxi rushing towards me.. guess im lucky to still be here blogging...
had a fall in the toilet while bathing.. i seriously dont know how it happened.. crashed my head on the toilet bowl and felt black shades covering my vision for awhile.. and what felt like ages, i woke up to realise i was lying in the toilet.. guess it wasnt that long that i was unconscious since my mom didnt notice anything amiss..
i need assurance.. and more than anything, i need love.. i need to be sure that u still love me like before.. that our dreams will still come true.. that we'll still strive towards the very same goal together.. i miss u.. the old u.. the lovin u.. the caring u.. i love u..
this song just says so much bout my feelings..

decided to leave everything behind and start my chase for love.. im going to u.s to keep him company and to heal my broken heart.. planning to depart on either 27/11 or 4/12. and with no amiss, i'll be back on 6/2/10. this might all sound really crazy.. its prolly cos we have a unseparatable strong bond in a way. or in another point of view, our love is really weak till it cant withstand separation.

running a fever right now, if it doesnt subside when i wake up, im heading straight to the clinic. wanna get all well and preped up for my departure. wonder if i can take the h1n1 vaccine when im running a temp. i really cant wait to see him.. loves to all and hope u guys will be able to keep me company online when im out in u.s. cheers!

i dont see myself as someone with lots of patience.. shall we let fate decide?
i wanna be happy and not drown in the ocean of sorrows every single day...

dilemma, dilemma, dilemma..
i really dunno how to uphold a long distance relationship.. less than 2 days and ive got this very strange feeling.. it feels like.. we're so apart. not as in literally counting the miles.. i seriously dont find it fun waiting to webcam with each other. neither do i see the joy in looking at a moving image of u through my monitor.. it feels so.. far.. so unreal..

yes i love u.. when i hug u, when i kiss u, when i hold ur hands.. but when i see u through the monitor, i really cant find a tad bit of feeling for u.. prolly its a passing phase.. i wonder what will happen during ur absence these 3 mnths. will my feelings for u bland? will i still be the same may?

emo.. emo.. emo..
ive got no appetite since he left. ate half a packet of hor fun for the day. nothing else.. i know i should eat more to stay healthy. but i just seem to lose my interest in food.
at some point of time, like now, ive got this weird thought.. of us breaking up for now and getting back together when ure back. not that i dont love u and i'll go find someone else.. but its more about not feeling obliged.

i know u dont wish for me to feel this way.. loss of appetite, negative thoughts on our relationship, etc.. but i really dislike the way u put things across my face saying that uve gotta stress bout work and above that handle our issues.. cos apparently, i did not wish for us to be apart, and i have never had a bf leave me for 3 mnths. im really sorry to bring all this upon u.. but its beyond my control.. i can keep it to myself if u want.. i just thought i shared my feelings and thoughts with u.. i really have no means to burden u.. im sorry..

disappointment, loneliness, boredom, all adds up to the word 'torture'. woke up at 7+pm, looking forward to him landing at washington and come online. but just received his sms saying that he has arrived but if he's needed to pay to come online, he wont be spending the cash to chat for the mere 2 hrs before he boards his next flight..

no plans at all tonight.. was ironing and video-ing till now.. feel everything so meaningless now.. mom just came into my room telling me that she's heading to bed. in other words, im sorta home alone. its been 1 day since he's gone and i already feel like he's absent for a long time.. wondering how am i gonna withstand 79 more days of this torment.

kinda lost for words now.. wondering what to do later.. i wont be able to sleep since i woke up like less than 4hrs ago.. so what now.. sigh...

hugged stitch through my 3 pots of mahjong games. won 95 bucks.. prolly it brings me luck =) but seriously, i'd rather have him by my side and lose 95 bucks instead. been longing for this moment since we parted. elated to recieve his sms quoting that he has arrived and that he's trying to find a wireless hotspot to get online.. will be eagerly waiting for him to come online..

just came back from changi airport.. sent him off for his 3mnth course in u.s. walked to the carpark to collect my car with bloodshot eyes. stares from all around me.. people must be wondering.. "whats there to cry about.. not like he's not coming back.." but it just seems that it aint that easy to hold those tears back.. i tried. i really tried.. but when i saw him enter the departure gates, it just started flowing..

cry-drive my way home.. was down to reserve tank.. controlling my foot wasnt easy with tear-filled eyes.. focusing on where i was going was alr a difficulty.. luckily its a straight road home.. stop by the petrol station to get my tank refilled just to get more stares from the pump attendant and cashiers. got home, got out of the car.. held the lil stitch plushy he bought for me at the airport and stumbled to the coffee shop to get my cigarettes..

reached home, cant help but feel the emptiness. nobody to keep my slippers for me, nobody to fight for the toilet with.. strutted back to my room.. felt even worse.. no number 3 uniforms hanging on the door, no luggages on the floor, drawer had so much space in it.. it just felt really sucky.. going to play mahjong now.. hopefully the tiles dont bully me.. hard enough tackling love sick.. gonna hug my stitch and play mahjong later.

*buckets and buckets of love to my hubby jason hua. looking forward to chat with u at 6-7am. i'll wait for u to get online. no matter what.. loves..