yay im leaving for the airport in like another six and a half hrs.. haha!! yipeee... its gonna be a wonderful christmas with my dearie in hong kong... my first ever christmas with my loved one overseas... hehe... dearie i love u too bits!!! =P

life suck damn bad. im starting to not see a point in everything i do. this is so darn boring... i hate maself. i hate everything around me. im just so emo... e..m..o..t..i..o..n..a..l.... fark those bloodie thoughts in my head. i just cant control them. i think im sumhow suffering from depression or sumfink. im feeling like the whole world's turning its back on me. every single day. while he's at work. i'll just smoke and anime. smoke and game.. wad else is up in my life. i feel it so low.. i wanted to go over to his place to accompany his mom. but those words were simply not put into action. its becoming a sense of belonging. till i cant breathe. i cant let go.. i cant even release that one lil inch.. im suffocating.. i really cant take this anymore.. i keep having thought of.. blahh. wadeva.. i tink his parents hate me man. they sure do.. its like i dun see a pnt.. darn i dun even noe wad i dun see a pnt in.. prolly im just too worked up. im overly suspicious over things.. im thinking too much. too much for that lil pea brain of mine. everything is spinning. spinning too fast. i cant catch up. i wanna die. duh. death seems like its possible to resolve every matter u have in life. and btw death is inevitable.. urgh. im sick.. sick with thoughts. im blabbing the words which not even i understand.. i suddenly feel like im a weakling. not being able to stand up to the devil in me. wads seven months when i dun even understand u. well least i feel i dunt. suddenly when i look into ur eyes i see a total stranger. a guy whom ive never met. do i really know u honey? hah. nonsense. i feel like he's hiding something. to trust or not to trust. the fcuking shiet is i cant even shut those devil thoughts in my head. i cant even overcome my own fear of u leaving. my mom once told me. look forward.. and congratulate those people who die.. cos their leaving this life of pain. leaving this world of torture.. argh fuck life. simple as that...

my greatest fear.. nitemare.. wadeva u call it. has finally arrived. my exams.. its here.. omfg. todae's my first paper.. T6. which i obviously did not have enough preparations done. erm.. well i still hope by wad ive answered i can least get a borderline pass. then i dont have to retake nxt yr.. i answered like 3/4 of question 1.. left question 2 totally blank.. answered 1/10 of question 3.. and completed question 4.. now i can just simply keep my fingers crossed till march. later i'll be having my T7 exams.. and.... well. im gonna faint. i havent gone to sch for the whole module. havent attended a single class of this freaking topic. i opened my text references since like 10pm and im still stuck at the first lecture notes. i dun even noe wtf this trash is all about. im kinda prepared to leave my answer booklet blank tml. yeah. and im like gonna slp for the full 3 hrs. wtf man. sigh.. im sooo totally screwed. oh yah.. my exam is like at changi? or should i sae tanah merah. ok simply saying. its at singapore expo. and thers like a thousand over seats in an examination hall? and hell how do thousands of people shut their mouths for like 3 hrs. i could hear chairs screeching.. pens clicking and flipping of papers in the hall today. rained hard todae and i travelled to and fro by cab. guess wad.. my extra charges for my cab back totalled to be like wad.. 7 bucks. lol. its like 4 dollars booking fee. 2 bucks for taking it from expo.. and a dollar peak period charge. hah. my cab fare could have gotten me a steak lunch at swensens or sumfink. so todae i spent like 40 over bucks on my cab and my mom havent reimbursed me.. im down to my last 40. how on earth did i spend like 100 over bucks this week. ive burnt my whole allowance. and now i cant cover the hole in my bank. i even withdrawed like 200+ last wkend. gawd.. hope it doesnt rain later.. then least my darling can ride me to sch. else i'll be spending another 40 over dollars on cab. rawrrr. i seriously dun even understand wads the pnt in going later. when i noe that i'll just submit a blank answer script. wads the difference with being absent from the exams. guess i'll go study for my nxt paper. least i can hope to pull thru the others and fail paper 7,8,9.. i hope it'll only be this three. miss my dearie so much. when i was back from the exams.. we were totally worn out. i placed my head on his chest and rest awhile. started to appreciate how fortunate it is to have a man by ur side.. to hug u to slp when ure tired.. sadly he had to rush to work. i so cant slp now. im kinda like 80% awake.. zzz