happie new year peeps. and happy screwed new year to myself. this is gonna be the worst new year ever. everything is just simply bad not having u here. im going to slp myself once again. just like before i met u. do u know that i miss u. do u noe i really cant bear to see u go? just came back from the reunion dinner at ur house. todae since the min i woke up. i couldnt even force myself to smile. i was just upset. emotionless.. hope shawn and gang will come up and mahjong with me. the more unoccupied i am the more empty i feel. for now i'll just sit on the new slack chair i bought and watch disc. hoping they'll give me an answer im hoping for. dear.. see u soon. god knows when.. sigh..

here i am sitting at my com all soaked in stinky sweat. and there he is snoring away on my just done bed. i changed all the freakin bedsheets. wiped the windows and tables and stove.. mopped the floor. my back is aching like a bitch now. and who cares? all u sae is just that cos u nv slp. ya fcuk it alright. asked u if u wanna mop the floor u gave me that kinda orh thing like it was some kinda command. so fine just shut up sit one korner. and dun fcukin disturb me. thanks. i think im going ntuc myself after i bathe. tonite u wanna go home? go ahead.. i dun need u here. ive got my own pair of hands to carry my own household stuff. asked if i could go back with u to finish up the packing.. no... why? are u just coming up with bullshiet trying to tell me u dun wanna go grocery shopping tonite with me? then bloodie hell tell me that straight in my face pal. ive got like so much things to prepare.. having shawn's party here tonite. why i din slp last nite? cos i wanted to fcukin accompany u. let u noe that im here when ure bored or upset bout work. but all i get was less than that miserable 10 messages. din slp when ure back. for fwak? cos shawn and the gang is coming over tonite. i dun wish to take like freaking million hours to cleanup when my mom's back. so now after ive done all the damn chores. all she has to do tonite is go wet market shopping. and who fcukin appreciates wad i do.. u tink i aint tired.. c'mon staring at the com since like wad 1am to 9am this morning. u think its fun? u think its slack? fcuk u understand. ask u go slp u wanna act heroic! no.. dun wan.. accompany u.. yea right. sit at the dining table and slp while i mop the floor right infront of your foot watching u slp. wads that supposed to mean. slp awhile? bet ure gonna slp till god knows wad time. when my mom's home i dun even think u'll be awake. i'll just leave to u larhs huh.. u do wadeva u like. tonite is like the last nite ure staying here. and u wanna spend it like that. so be it.. lets play this sick game of urs. im gonna go bathe. and head for ntuc. im gonna use my pair of hands and carry those fcukin detergents.. shampoos and stuff back MYSELF.

finally went clubbing last night after a long while. darn shagged now man. woke up at like 4 plus in the afternoon ytd. went skating and sprained my freaking ring finger on my left hand. now its like some pig leg or sumfink. zzz. then went rush at night. apparently i just woke up and im still yawning away. gotta reach centrepoint by 3.30 to meet my mom and do more new year shopping. hopefully i'll be back by 8. then im gonna go over to hubby's house to slp. i cant stand seeing her face for more than 5 hrs a day. these daes i dun even see her. which im kinda glad about. its like she go work in the morning. i go out in the afternoon. and i'll be back after she sleeps. thats kinda good. least no quarrels. and well.. wadeva.. and for tml.. we're gonna wake up in the late afternoon. go down get a bite and he goes off to work. no classes on monday for me. so im gonna maple or study through the night and wait for him to get back the nxt morning. life's gonna continue like that till he ord. then my time will switch back to norm. ive got no more ciggys. gonna ask her to buy for me later. im totally broke. gotta wait till my cashflow stable down again. now im like totally deficit. zzz.

holding my tears since like 1.31am. finally able to release it right now. since im alone here in my room. u msged me.. "next time dear not by ur side uve got to do everything urself" my heart shattered u noe... it might sound darn stupid that im crying cos ure moving back to ur own hse. but u noe how painful it is.. knowing that u will not be by my side while i sleep. u will not be sitting beside me gaming.. u wun be hugging me when im down. u wun be giving me all that bullshiet u used to give me.. even now.. when ure at work... do u noe that i am already feeling empty even u haven shifted? i just took ur levis shoe into my room. the one u bought in hk. planning to pack it up so u can bring it back home.. i was packing all the new year clothes we bought in hk and took out urs.. u noe its really hurts me... last night.. i cried myself to sleep. i couldnt get to slp at all. looked at u while u dozed off.. thinking that in the following daes i wun see that sweet face of urs while i close my eyes and try to get some slp.. i cried really hard last nite.. and tonite.. im just doing the same thing.. am i gonna cry like that every single night? im now listening to hei se mao yi.. the one which u kept irritating me with. u were gaming and started singing bai se de qing ting.. and repeating that only sentence.. ur wax.. ur shaver.. ur toothbrush.. ur facial wash.. ur perfume.. all will no longer be here.. my laptop will just be a white elephant lying on the table adjacent to mine. but there no longer will be someone beside me... my wardrobe's gonna be so empty without ur clothes here. my tears just stream down my face as i type every single word here.. looking at my xbox. i rmb the times when we were so crazy hunting for new games to play.. now? i guess im gonna throw it away. rmb the time where u drank tiger with me.. now, im gonna drink alone. i want a single bed again.. my bed's gonna feel so huge without u.. i'll be doing everything myself in the future.. dear.. i miss u.. i really miss u alot right at this point of time.. my eyes are filled with tears and i cant see wadeva im doing. im just gonna smoke and drink and smoke.. till tml arrives..

screw all these rainy days. and all this problems coming up in my life. i wanna study i wanna work. and its that simple. i dun wanna think about anything else or my brain's gonna explode. ive been trying soo hard to escape from this problem. and a simple sms or call can just blow the whole thing. thanks ya.. thanks.. thanks for bringing the topic up once again and screwing my life. cant things just go on like how it was before. joyfully.. no worries.. with so much smiles.. why must it be the state it is in now. critism.. misunderstandings.. arguments. im tired. really. thats why when u said that was the last word ure gonna sae. i was like phew. c'mon. u tink u noe wad people think.. he exactly knows what u think as well. ure stands are clear to me. well i bet my own views are clear to u as well. its already part of my life. part of my living. its already like that. can u just not change it. these daes ive learnt to give thanks. with philosophies from shawnie as well. the more i would like to. i would even like to give thanks for every little thing u do. but please.. this is not wad im asking for to gif thanks to u. the more this goes on.. the more emotional i get.. u cant brainwash me. my mind is set. wadeva that comes out of u i will just swollow it and think of ways to tell u ure wrong. why must it continue like that. these daes i sumhow hoped some car would bang me down. or some lightning will just electrify me into ashes. or just spaceship will just crash into me. cos i feel like im suffering in this thing called life. really.. ignts already... so i'll just sit here and shut up.

life's been simply sick since the day i came back to singapore. its like im stuck here right in the middle. heaven knows wads happening between them. havent spoken anything other than hie and bye since then.. im tired of being sandwiched by the both of u. and if i had to choose. this is gonna sound silly but im gonna walk alone instead. do u know im in a position which totally no one understands. and ure making things darn difficult just because of ur sensitivity. thinking too much.. being biased.. over-sensitivity.. all these will lead u no where. and instead.. these factors are pushing me against the wall. ure like sticking a fork at my throat. let me die. thats wad im gonna tell u. u think ure always right eh? but c'mon.. ure not. accept that fact and move on. i really wanna tell u straight in the face that ure sick. everything i say or do to you everyday is just an act. while doing anything just to please you... i tell myself.. im being forced. ive got no other choices. i can continue to put up with this shiet.. but make sure i dun see that bloody gross face of yours the second time.. dun light the stick. dun make me burn. and simply dun piss me off. else i'll just walk away like how i did. i dun wish to do so.. but uve left me no room to breathe. u think i cant see ur eyes of hatred? u think im blind? fat hope. everything is soo crystal clear to me. im gonna lead my life the way i want it. thats me. thats may. thats my attitude. and whoever out there whose got a problem with my attitude.. sad to say. theres nothing u can do about it. anybody whose gonna walk out on me. just do so.. cos i noe life's gonna be so much better without u.. so back off and quit stopping the earth from spinning.. ive got a freakin life to live.

first of all.. happie new year to all my fellow friends out there.. hope u'll have a wonderful year.. i just came back from this wonderful countdown. no no no.. i would say its the happiest countdown in my 16 years. starting off with todae. i woke up kinda late and decided to skate. well. it was pouring so couldnt ride down. for the first time.. me and my sweetie took a train. lol. then skate and wadeva.. then went home. take a quick shower.. and rode down to esplanade. was supposed to meet shawn and gang. but well. thanks to starhub and all the kiasu singaporeans who start spamming new yr msgs.. i couldnt contact them since like 11pm. so i just kept calling and calling. there was kinda lots of blacks there. but well. one best thing that happened todae.. that made me felt the security.. the love.. its just this feeling i simply cant describe. my dearie hugged me while we squeezed into the bunch of people.. i really loved that part. so there was the fireworks and it was so long that i thought it would nv end. seriously.. each pause seemed like it would stop.. then it would just continue going boom! boom boom!! i could feel the impact at my legs.. lol. i was considering if i should actually go for the count down when i was in the rink. i just couldnt decide. so i let my sweetheart decide. seriously nv regret going down man. though i was like sandwiched.. pushed and shoved like i was a teddy bear.. it was awesome. was darn busy the past few daes and had no time to blog. well belated christmas to all. and i would like to sincerely apologise to those who actually sent me christmas msgs but i really couldnt reply. cos i was having my party at hk. was in hongkong from like 23-28. christmas there was just as good as todae.. for the first time after ive grown up.. i wore a freaking santa hat with my sweetie! haha. the trip was good.. relaxing.. and sufficient shopping. i finally learnt how to think and spend. unbelievable huh. before i bought anything i would think if i really liked it and would think if i would use or wear it. din buy that much things for maself. but was really happie with wad i got. as for ma sweetie and me.. things are going on smoothly. we both know how much we are and where in stand in each other's hearts. i love him. i really do. and thats gonna be it. i dont need any other things to accomodate or wad so eva. and deep down in his heart i know.. how much i actually mean to him.. thanks hubby. thanks for giving me a wonderful new year.. thanks for bringing joy into ma life.. thanks for putting up with all ma attitude and bullshiet.. thanks for doing anything just to see me smile. thanks for all the stuff u bought for me.. and the most important thing ive got to say to u.. thanks for letting me know how much u love me.. lets hold on.. lets learn.. lets trust.. and hope to be together for the rest of our lives. nxt yr.. oops. nah. i should say.. this year.. the year 2006.. i'll be focusing on many new.. different.. and much more challenging stuff. ive got my new year resolutions up and i swear im gonna stick to it....