may is under lots of stress and pressure right now. the day ive been dreading is finally here. at 9+pm, two court servants came up to my door and handed my mom the court charges documents. ringed up the rest and they got their letters too. wad a way to start off my year.. but its a good thing as well..

im feeling down. yes deep down.. here, im wondering.. ive stood by for quite an number of friends. wadeva issues they had, i tried to help out. from money issues, to projects, to as simple as downloading a song.. ive tried my best to fulfill. but i paused from my dashing life and started to ponder.. am i throwing out too much that i can handle.. ive put friends before anything. and yet i still live up to my belief that friends come and go.. next i question myself.. then why do i actually still go all out.

nightlife nightlife nightlife.. ive been living through this word for approx. 5-6 yrs. since i actually slacked from secondary school. drinking, clubbing, dancing, shuffling, late night movies.. all i did was enjoy life. yes, there were times which i struggled for money.. but now, yet again i look back and think.. ive got to find some way out.. i cant cling on the word -'NightLife' for much longer.

there's a limit to one's patience and tolerance. he blew my top. and well i guess he's just gotta do some soul searching. and well, on the other hand, i need some space myself. today went by peacefully. though i was bored in the afternoon alone at home, i still managed to kill my time fast enough. went out with my mom after her work and she seems to have enjoyed pretty much.

backtracking to saturday. i was at mos.. its a blast. bass agents spinning.. and all the different shuffler crews. phd, hr.. their really good. to think there are a few people there who actually recognize us thru our trio in sync video up on youtube.. i was really surprised. my muscles were aching badly due to the long hours of shuffling on friday. so i didnt really shuffle much. got to know a few fellow shufflers. we taught each other stuffs and exchanged moves. that night was the best night ever after i stepped into shuffling..

im gonna take up a course or something since ive got nothing to do now.. and i seriously got enough of slacking around at home. now im in consideration of what course to take up. it has really got to interest me alot, else i'll be skipping classes after 2 to 3 wks of opening.. guess its either arts, i.t, hotel mgnt, f&b or something like that.. prolly a language course will do good too. gonna start flipping through papers..

life's a bitch then u die =)

its a tormenting world out there.. and yet again i find no reason to be standing on this earth living a life which does not belong to oneself. its what people around you want and their decisions which make u live on.. make u move.. make u do anything.. eg. my mom decided to give birth to me, not that i wanted to be born. everyone needed money to survive, and not that i wanted to work. life is so meaningless..

love is a heavy word which many people use as if it was a feather. time after time, humans say i love you without actually thinking back bout the actual meaning and weight of it. well, that goes to myself too. so what actually is love? how did love come about? why is there love?

at times i get really bored that i just start pondering.. if one day i were to die, which i will, what will people around me feel? where will i go. into another dimension? heaven? hell? or just turn into ashes and flow with the sea or move with the wind.

been busy with work since monday and my legs are aching. ive been in heels doing co-calls and running round industrial areas putting flyers. bartending is still my love, but i guess its a dream. not that i cant actually get a job as a barmaid. is yet again cos of the future. cos of others. there are so many factors that ive got to think of before deciding to pursue a career. im working as a marketing executive now at my mom's office. there, ive lost all my freedom.. which made me really uncomfortable. ive got to go down a floor or head to the toilet to smoke just cos she wants to uphold her "image" she always had.. c'mon, open up. its 2008 now. its not as if people dont know she smokes. dread to go to work every single day...

relationships are such a bore. u go from strangers to friends and friends to lovers and lovers back to friends or in worst situations, foes. ive moved on.. ive finally made my first step to pick up myself from the shadow of his.. and why.. things just had to turn out this way. im tired...

this is gonna be a loud and temperamental post... so bear with me or skip it pls.

i seriously dont understand why i cant find someone who understands me. or even someone with the basic courtesy to respect their partner. like fcuk shiet why cant i get over u. pwx. why the fcuk are u still tingling in my mind every sec here and there. its been 7 months. ure happy with ur life with a fcuking 16 yr old kid. and why am i here thinking back bout the times we had. ive got enough of all this. i thought i could move on.. but its been 7 fcuking months. guy after guy that i hurt. and its all becos i cant forget times i had with u. i cant forget how lovely a pair we were. and yet u had to two time me for a fcukin bitch. god... save me.
im lonely. im pathetic. yes i am. cos god had to bless me with such a love life. yes ive got all the materials i want at a snap on my fingers. i wan a phone. there i have it. i want a dcam. i still get it. sadly... i wan to love and be loved. i cant get it.

suddenly i feel like studying abroad. i feel like heading to melbourne or perth or something. just away.. theres so many reasons for me to leave. first.. i get to concentrate on my studies. least theres no distractions like in sg. second.. i get to clear my head and start a new life. i feel like walking away from all this. i feel like migrating to some place which i can start afresh. ive been hiding all this emotions, feelings, pain... all so deeply that i doubt no one around me actually sees it. ive just become someone whose there to please my friends. someone who puts friends above herself. my smiles and laughter were given to me by my friends..
thinking back of the days i suffered after the breakup. crying my heart out.. suffered from mild depression.. minor gastricitis.. insomnia.. and the worst thing was i lost all my friends around me. at that time.. only my mom was there for me.. ive moved out a great step and started loving my friends.. till an extent that i actually love time with my friends than boyfriend.. and its all becos of u..

suddenly i feel life is so meaningless yet again.. not that im suicidal.. its just that ive lost my dreams for bike now cos of my court case. and it seems to be taking ages for the court letter to come.. i cant even go for my car license now.. studies is yet another thing that im a total failure in. walking out in the society with a freakin pathetic PSLE cert. whr the hell can i go. i seriously have no heart to carry on studying.. what can i do now. my life is just so wasted...

and as they all say.. life's a bitch then u die..