things arent going as smoothly as it should. well. apparently its fcked up. quarreled with my sweetie for the ever first time in our soon to be half yr relationship. i was too impulsive. well. its over though. im missing him very extremely badly now. just finished my mahjong session. my heart was kinda sour by the thoughts of him.. how i wish he was here. right beside me. hug to me to slp. my throat is still freakin swollen. i cant even gulp water down. wads more.. im down with a fever. i wonder wads nxt.. exams are coming. and i still aint studying. zzz. guess when my darlin starts his baseguard duty i'll start some intensive studies again. havent been to school for at least 2 mnths. i dunno wads goin on... havent even registered for my second module exam which is on like nov 9th? zzz. im so broke now. and my mom havent given me any jobs. nor did she gif me my allowance. im down with my last 50 bucks. and hell noes when it has to last me till. had this sudden urge to learn how to play the guitar on sundae. so went down to p.s to buy one. acoustic duh. hmm not bad.. ive been practicing and now i can play qing fei de yi.. zombie.. ai wo bie zou.. guan huai fang shi.. dui mian de nu hai kan guo lai.. and... rhcp's otherside. still have to work hard on my changing of chords. still kinda lag. hurrr.. im starting to hate myself once again.. noticing my own temper getting worse.. realise myself growing horizontally. sucks. this all sucks. these daes ive been having bad dreams... very bad dreams. guess im just too afraid to lose him. ive never come accross a guy as perfect.. as sweet as him.. i cant bear to lose him. not one bit. im sure he's the guy i wanna be with for the rest of ma life... he sure is..

out of 40 daes of skool. i went like 10 daes! out of 10 daes i went. i slept like 4 daes! and out of the 6 daes left. i doodled fer 3 daes! and out of the last 3 daes.. i smoked 2 daes away! so wad am i left with? one pathetic dae which i sat still in my chair. looking blankly at the projector panel. trying to listen attentively. and yes.. had my paper 1 exam todae. which hell noes how did i manage to get like 70 marks. i was totally wtf. well. i did somehow study fer it. but i din expect i would pass. gonna have my paper 2. 3 and 4 in nov. i dun tink i'll be this lucky always. i need a hug so badly. it seems like whenever he's at work. im so lonely. went to skate todae. and well the rink was asking bout that lonely look on my face. nxt everyone was wishin me luck fer my exams. alright. thanks for all that luck ive gathered to pass my paper. i feel so much like playing mahjong now. or least have my sweetie beside me to game with me. im so darn lonely. im like darn glad that i could pass the paper. but the worst thing is not having anyone there to celebrate with me. or even cheer for me. this sucks. sucks bad.. maybe i'll just start drinking and watch my stupid disc. sip on some alcohol.. or wadeva.. im gloomy. im in no mood. im stuck. stuck surrounded by these four walls. hey wall.. how are u? this is so darn spasticated.

counting down the days to my first paper give me the chills. its another six days. and ive only studied like half the module. have to finish up my revision asap... wonder how am i gonna make it. it was our fifth month together two daes ago. and i really enjoyed it. well.. nothing really special.. but i just know how much he loves me. these daes kinda pms. not really in a good mood. extremely easily agitated. im so sorrie my sweetie. i really din mean to take anything out on u. its just im so darn irritated by everything around me. prolly im just so stressed out bout my exams. but i just cant sit down here and study all by myself. everything seems so close yet so far. i feel like i cant breathe anymore. suddenly just feel like ending my life. but its just me and my silly thoughts. it will never happen. there are too many things i cant put aside. now.. i feel like crying. just out of the blue. sitting here blogging. and my friends are just behind me having the regular mahjong sessions.. i cant let my tears out when i want to. i really dunno why.. but i just feel like hugging my dearie.. and cry out all my discomfort. im so tired of everything.. wads coming tml.. i dunt noe.. will i be playing mahjong again in the afternoon? or am i gonna study myself. i hope i can somehow. tml he'll be workin. i'll be once again alone in my room looking at the four walls hoping it would just crumble down on me and squash me. im insane. i feel like im suffering from some kinda mood disorder. or prolly depression.. dunno wad the fcuk am i thinking. well. thats it. i dunno wad else i can talk about. my life is once again so monotone. im tired.. really tired..

finally a day which i dunt have school.. and i can start to do some soul searching.. well.. my first module exam is on 19 october. which shouldnt be a problem since its all multiple choices. and i just have to get 28 questions out of 50 right to pass. as for second third and fourth module are multiple choices as well and its in november.. then for my remaining 5 they'll be in first wk of december. i hope ive got enough time to prepare and just pass the exams. the exam fees are like thousands of dollars. if i fail there goes the cash. and i'll have to pay the sum again for the march exams. and apparently i cant miss this chance. i have to pass so that i can get into acca yr2 nxt yr and least i can study with shifu. studying alone is darn difficult. my life is somehow still as slack though. went to batam on sunday. basically shopping and nothing but shopping. bought a roxy boardshorts as well as a ripcurl one. bought 2 polo long sleeve shirts. the board stuff there is like cheaper than spore and the collection is much wider. cant wait to go there and sweep somemore stuff back. since i cant really be bothered to dress up for sch or town anymore. i just wear a board shorts. grab a shirt. and slip on a flops. apparently im ready to go to the beaach anytime. this wkend i'll go get a lcd tv for my room. and hopefully i can change my hp to 6680. starting to like that phone. somehow i feel things arent going as smooth as it seems between me and him. well we're still as loving. but the sweet talks are getting lesser. the daily ilu msgs has turned alternate or even lesser. he seems so tired every single day. the cute big eyes i once saw was never been seen anymore. everyday after work. i hear his footsteps at the corridor. i rush to get the door and throw him a hug. he seems to appreciate it. but sumhow looking at his eyes.. the passion. the love. the warmth is all starting to evaporate. if its really that he's just plain tired. i dunt mind wasting a day. and just sleep it away. i just dun wanna see him so worn out anymore. it really hurts me deep down in my heart. but no matter wad. i noe he's the man. he's the guy whom i'll entrust my furture with. i know and am sure that he will be the one walking this journey of life with me...